Real Talk About Living in a Fat Body
No matter how much you want to make peace with food, accept yourself, and be confident regardless of your size, there are practical challenges of living in a fatphobic world in a fat body. Let’s get real honest for a little bit and work through some of this together.
I’ve been a Body Image and Intuitive Eating Coach for 8 years, and I’ve heard every concern about navigating this world in a fat body that you can imagine. Ideally, of course, you’d bravely disregard the size of airplane seats, worries about finding clothes you like that fit properly, and rude comments from kids in the grocery store line, but the reality is that it’s very hard to face those types of barriers when you’re probably already struggling with self esteem and visibility.
I’d like to ask you to think two thoughts as you read this: It’s safe to live in this body, and I deserve to be as comfortable as possible in every situation.
It’s safe to live in this body.
I deserve to be as comfortable as possible.
Assuming those things are true (they are), let’s prepare for some common dilemmas.
I can’t find clothes that fit.
Yes, you can. It’s not as easy as it is for some other people, but you definitely can. Explore websites, scour Goodwill stores, join clothing swap Facebook groups, and find communities of people who look like you and ask for help.
I’m embarrassed to swim.
First of all, you don’t have to. It’s fine to sit by the pool or on the beach in comfortable clothing and read a book. But if you want to get in the water, there are a variety of great, full coverage bathing suits available online. (Message me if you want some suggestions.) You can also wear spandex shorts, long-sleeved moisture wicking shirts, t-shirts, bathing suit cover-ups, or whatever makes you comfortable in the water. People don’t care about the way you look as much as you think they do, I promise.
My partner isn’t attracted to me anymore.
Well, this one’s thorny. You know my knee-jerk reaction is “Get a new partner,” but I know that’s not reasonable or realistic in many situations. I would start with a frank conversation about how you both feel where you can establish some boundaries to keep yourself safe. Next, maybe you could explore some ways to spice things up together. If that doesn’t feel right, maybe just taking physical intimacy out of the equation for a while is the best thing for your mental health. Regardless, counseling may be in order for one or both of you. No matter what, please remember that your body is not the problem and it’s not your job to change it to please other people.
My doctor says I need to lose weight.
Ok, this time I will say it: Get a new doctor. Weight loss is not shown to be a causal factor in health improvement. If your doctor is focused on weight, they are working from an antiquated perspective. Health improvements result from lifestyle changes like more movement, better quality sleep, more fiber and nutrients in the diet, better hydration, and stress reduction. You can and should refuse to be weighed at the doctor (unless it’s medically necessary in rare circumstances like anesthesia administration, in which case you can ask not to see the number), and you can establish clear boundaries with your doctor that include not discussing your weight. If all else fails, find a fat-friendly doctor.
I am worried about fitting in an airplane seat.
Plan ahead. Call and ask about the seat and seatbelt dimensions. Ask about their policy if two seats are required. You may have to purchase an extra seat – ask about discounts in that circumstance. Call other airlines. Advocate for yourself. Remember, you deserve to be as comfortable as possible in every situation and your body is not the problem.
I can no longer put in tampons.
There are great tools available online to assist with this. Message me for recommendations.
I’m getting itchy and smelly in my skin folds.
Keep a tube of Lotrimin on hand to handle fungal infections, and explore whole-body deodorant products like Lume. Also be sure to keep those places as dry and clean as possible. You may need the help of a dermatologist if things get really bad, but remember that there’s nothing wrong with you and you deserve compassionate, thorough medical care.
People stare at me or make rude comments in public.
I know this may be hard to believe, but the amount of negative attention you attract is directly related to how you feel about yourself. If you’re awash in shame and fear when you go out, you are generating negative responses from the people around you. The more you lean into being safe in your body and deserving respect and comfort, this kind of attention will decrease. In the meantime, have a couple of clear statements at the ready to respond to people who actively engage with you. Maybe something like, “I’m not interested in your opinion” or “Please don’t make comments about my appearance.” It can sometimes take the wind out of their sails if you just address it directly and confidently (without anger).
My family is always telling me to lose weight.
This calls for clear boundaries. Depending on the situation, you may want to take the person aside and have an honest conversation about how their comments make you feel and what you need from them. If that doesn’t feel safe or isn’t appropriate, a clear request or demand will usually do the trick. Again, as calmly as possible, make a statement like “Please don’t comment on my body” or “My body is none of your business. Please stop talking about it.”
No one will ever love me while I look like this.
This is just a belief. This is a thought you’ve had so many times that it feels true. But it isn’t true. Challenge yourself to think differently. Remind yourself that you’re safe in your body, you deserve to be comfortable, and you are worthy of love. It may be true that you’re not attracting the kind of attention or affection you desire right now, and that is a reflection of your internal state. The more confident and peaceful you become about yourself and your body, the easier it will be to attract exactly the right kind of people into your life. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with you and you deserve to have exactly what you want.
I can’t reach myself to wipe or bathe properly.
There are tools to help with this! Look online or fashion your own out of household items. I know this may feel shameful, but there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Your body deserves excellent care and hygiene regardless of its size or shape. Empower yourself to find products and tools that work for you. (Message me if you need ideas.)
TBH, I KNOW life would be easier in many ways if you were thin. There are real challenges to having a fat body.
AND – dieting does not work. It is likely not possible for you to change the size of your body in any significant or long-term way. It is liberating and empowering to accept who you are, embrace how you are, and find ways to make things as easy as possible for yourself.
Please remember: It’s safe for you to live in that body, and you deserve to be as comfortable as possible in every situation. Remind yourself of this every day and every time you feel threatened. It’s a powerful foundation from which to advocate for yourself and be at peace with your place in the world.
Did I miss something you struggle with? Send me a message so I can address it!
Love, Teddey
P.S. Remember, I’m not a doctor or a therapist. Get professional help if you need it.
