Why do you keep struggling?

Chances are, at some point you’ve tried to change something in your life. And if you’re like the vast majority of people, you haven’t succeeded. Whether it’s managing your money better, improving your health, getting a higher-paying job, or improving your relationships, change is hard.

You recognize something in your life isn’t working the way you want it to, you decide to do something about it, you make a plan to change your behavior, and wind up right back where you started (or even worse). Why does that keep happening?

Our problem solving brains are great at identifying dilemmas and providing us with short-term motivation to fix them. It seems so simple at the outset – just behave differently and it’ll get resolved. So you join the gym, download a budgeting app, update your LinkedIn profile, or order How to Have a Happy Marriage for Dummies. But eventually, after a couple days, a few weeks, or 6 months, you look around and realize nothing has changed. You’re right back at square one, and your motivation has disappeared into thin air.

It’s so easy to blame ourselves for lack of willpower or for being a lazy loser, but what if we just missed an essential step in the process? We need to take a beat and explore how we got where we are and why we got here before we can start changing our circumstances. 

How does your current situation serve you?

Have you ever tried to answer that question?  How did you get here? Why do you keep repeating this self-sabotaging behavior? What about this current set of circumstances WORKS for you, by keeping you safe, protecting you, comforting you, or confirming your deeply held beliefs about yourself?

There is a reason you are where you are, and it’s probably not just that you suck at life. You are an incredible survivor, and you’ve created a set of circumstances for yourself that serves a purpose, even if you don’t know exactly what it is. For now, just try asking the question.

How does it serve me to keep drowning in Doritos every night and waking up with a stomach ache?

How does it serve me to drink a bottle of wine and spend half the next day recovering?

How does it serve me to keep spending money I don’t actually have on things I don’t really need?

How does it serve me to shut out my partner instead of sharing and connecting with them?

How does it serve me to stay in this low-paying job rather than striving for something more challenging?

How does it serve me to keep hitting the snooze button rather than getting up and working out?

How does it serve me to spend 10 minutes in the McDonald’s drive thru rather than spending 10 minutes making myself a better, cheaper meal at home?

Your answers might sound like…

I just need to check out.

It’s just comfortable and familiar.

It’s a habit and I’m just used to doing it.

I’m afraid of failing.

This is the only thing I have total control over in my life. I’m rebelling.

It feels good to numb out and not care about the consequences.

I’m afraid of being vulnerable.

I don’t know how to relax in a healthier way.

At the end of the day, I just don’t have the energy to do anything else.

I don’t think I’m good enough to do more.

I spend so much time taking care of everyone else, I don’t have the bandwidth to care for myself.

I just need a mental break from my life.

I don’t know what else to do instead.

Knowing why you do what you do can help you find solutions that are more productive. You can learn how to feel safe, comforted, and relaxed in ways that support your overall wellbeing rather than sabotaging your health, happiness, or bottom line. Rather than just trying to change your behavior with white-knuckled willpower, you can address the underlying problem so change is easy, natural, and sustainable.

You can plan ahead so you have something easy to grab when you’re starving or exhausted.

You can schedule time to unwind in nourishing ways rather than automatically reaching for the bottle opener.

You can establish boundaries that help you feel safe so communicating isn’t so threatening.

You can learn how to say no to unnecessary obligations so you have more energy to show up for yourself.

I remember what an absolute miracle it was when I realized that taking 20 minutes for myself when I got home from work would make my whole evening go better. Instead of diving into the “second shift” of cooking, organizing, cleaning, preparing, and taking care of everyone else, I sequestered myself in my room with a cup of tea and a hot bath. When I emerged, I was calm, energized, and ready to tackle the next set of obligations with a completely different attitude. For me, that was the difference between snippy, snacky, spent Teddey and patient, pleasant, peppy Teddey. A 20-minute break prevented me from reaching for quick relief that wasn’t necessarily supportive of my overall wellbeing.

You didn’t wind up where you are because you’re dumb, lazy, or weak. You keep doing what you’re doing because it has some benefit to you. Figuring out what that is and giving yourself what you really need can be a real game changer.

Love, Teddey