Will I Be Fat When I Die?

This notecard is tacked beside the desk of a petite elderly woman who has just moved into assisted living. This woman is brilliant, had an impressive career, and lived an independent, wealthy, enviable life.

When I saw the “127 Pounds” beside lists of books she wanted to read and pictures of places she’d visited and lists of goals she had for herself, it broke my heart a little bit. To think that fretting about her weight had overshadowed even a tiny bit of this woman’s happiness or accomplishments seems so tragic.

Early in my eating disorder recovery, my therapist told me a story about a hospice patient she worked with who refused a bowl of ice cream on her death bed – literally just days before her death – because she was concerned about getting fat. I remember being absolutely floored by the senselessness of still being concerned about weight and body image at that stage of life.

I’ve been watching this show on Hulu called “I Survived: Beyond and Back” about people who have died and come back to life. Almost everyone describes a profound sense of peace and euphoria and of just suddenly not having any more worries. They all speak about how their priorities in life have changed dramatically since the experience.

Juxtaposing our seemingly important daily worries with death really puts things in perspective, doesn’t it? I hope I don’t die anytime soon, but it always helps me to think “Will this matter on my deathbed?” when I find myself spiraling about some problem in my life. I don’t think I’ll be concerned about how big my tummy is when I reach the end. So, why would I worry about it now?

We were taught that our weight matters. We made it up. In a different world, size diversity would be celebrated, and totally unacceptable (by our current standards) body types would be valued. In fact, there are places in the world right now where there’s a completely different set of values around body size and appearance. It is a cultural construct.

It feels like the way you look matters a lot right now, but I don’t think it always will. Yes, there are sacrifices to living in a socially unacceptable body and it really sucks sometimes, but the bottom line is that your body is not the problem. The more you can pull your attention away from the fabricated expectations our society has about how you should look, and focus on what you hope to be proud of as you take your last breath, the happier I believe you will be.

Did she ever reach her goal weight? Who knows, and, truly, who cares.