You Don’t Have to Say Anything at All

Eleven years ago, we adopted this super hyper dog (see adorable picture), and I used to take her on a long walk/run every morning which culminated in a play date with a neighbor dog to try and wear her out.

Young, maniacal Felicia

One morning as I was standing on the side of the road watching the dogs play, a rando guy walked up to me and said the following:

“I see you out here running every day obviously trying to lose weight, so let me tell you about this [miracle diet / MLM scheme] my wife and daughters have been doing.”

Now, I guess I don’t need to go into all the reasons this was incredibly inappropriate and offensive, but the worst part is that I was so taken aback and unprepared for this assault that I smiled and nodded and actually THANKED HIM for the information, rather than punching him in the throat and moving on with my day.

THAT’s what bothers me. Not his insensitivity or obnoxious mediocre white man confidence, but the fact that I played along and encouraged his wildly audacious behavior.

There are so many things wrong with the whole scenario, with all of the assumptions and judgments he made about me just by looking at my body at the top of the list. Back then I was extremely insecure and not at all prepared to push back against this particular brand of mansplaining.

For the longest time, I wished I had given him a lecture. I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time composing a speech in which I would just eviscerate him and shame him and make him regret all his life choices.

I started exploring what I really wanted out of the interaction, and it’s not really to shame him or hurt his feelings, but to be powerful in that moment. That guy is just a hapless victim of diet culture, like all of us, ignorant and buoyed by privilege to the point where he felt comfortable commenting on a stranger’s body at 6:00am on a beautiful summer morning.

I didn’t need to spend my time and energy trying to educate him or defend myself. I just needed to be my own cheerleader in that moment. 

I imagine how satisfying it would be to just gaze at him for a long moment, perhaps with an inquisitive head tilt, without saying anything at all. How satisfying it would be to just watch him squirm and not know what to say next and be forced to keep blathering, backtrack, or give up altogether and leave me alone.

I want to have chosen not to engage with something that was so unaligned with my health, success, and happiness. I want his words to have slid off of me like food off of that HexClad frying pan I want for Christmas (seriously…mention it to Bill if you see him, please). 

I want to have chosen my mental health and self-esteem over the need to be polite and not make that guy uncomfortable.

I’m taking this vibe into the holidays and I hope you will, too. Choose yourself in every interaction. Don’t feel the need to reply right away. Take a deep breath and consider how and whether you want to respond to people who are insulting you, challenging you, or just talking about something that doesn’t align with your values.

It’s not your job to make everyone understand what you’re doing or approve of you and your decisions. Your primary job is to honor and respect yourself, and protect your peace and mental health.

Love, Teddey

14 Year-old Felicia…not so hyper anymore