Why You Should Stop Trying to Take Care of Everyone

I’ve always known I have boundary issues. I’m the one trying to make sure no one is ever sad or uncomfortable or hungry or lonely or confused. I’m the one dropping everything to help find a lost sweater or solve a technical issue with the printer or run to the store to grab that thing someone is suddenly craving even though our pantry is jam-packed with other things they could have instead.

All of this sounds like very typical Mom stuff, right? And a lot of it was probably completely appropriate when my kids were young and helpless and clueless about life. But as they grew up, it started to feel less like something they needed and more like something I was doing to relieve my own anxiety. I didn’t want to worry about them failing or being unhappy, so I just handled everything.

I was so preoccupied with making sure my kids never had to struggle that I permanently solidified my role as the de facto problem solver in my family. I don’t think my kids or my husband set out to keep me in that position, but when you lock yourself into a pattern like that, it can be super hard to extract yourself. You know what is expected of you, and you keep performing because it feels a lot easier than challenging the status quo.

I only questioned this pattern when I started to burn out. I noticed overwhelming exhaustion that I didn’t have an explanation for, and surprising bouts of anger when no one had really done anything wrong. I was constantly annoyed and frustrated and had this thought playing on a loop in my head: “I just want everyone to leave me alone.”

I started realizing that I had positioned myself to be needed, because that made me feel wanted.

And as my self-worth strengthened, that position didn’t feel satisfying or necessary to me anymore. In fact, it felt really fucking annoying.

And here’s the other mind-blowing thing I started to discover: I really wasn’t doing my kids any favors. I had spent so long shielding them from discomfort that they weren’t developing the necessary resilience or independence that they desperately needed out in the cold, unfriendly world. 

I really noticed how my excessive mommying was affecting them when my adult daughter called me three or four days in a row from work to ask me for help with really absurd not-my-problems, like, “The zipper on my bag is stuck” and “I called my boss but she didn’t answer.” I was like Why the hell are you calling me?? Just deal with it!

I had created an artificial dependence on me that was actually stifling my kid.

It wasn’t that she couldn’t handle that stuff; it was that she didn’t KNOW she could handle it because I’d been swooping in and snatching that opportunity away from her for so long.

It really blew my mind to realize that I wasn’t helping anymore. Not only was I miserable, but I was actually preventing my kids from having experiences that were necessary for their growth and survival. It’s like a mama bear forcing her cub to sit and wait while she hunts for berries rather than pushing that little tyke to get out there and find them herself so she’ll be able to feed herself when she’s all grown up.

The bottom line is that people in our lives need us at certain stages and in certain situations, but we don’t always have to solve everything for everyone. Not only will it make you miserable, but you could actually be robbing your loved-ones of opportunities to have experiences that they need to have in order to learn and grow. 

Also, it’s fair and appropriate and normal for you to prioritize your own comfort, health, and happiness. You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

Love, Teddey