How to Put Yourself First Without Hurting the People You Love

Many of the women I’ve coached and spoken with during these midlife years are facing the same challenge: how do we stop burning ourselves out without abandoning the people who count on us?

If you’re a human woman who also happens to be a mother or wife or pet mom or caregiver in any capacity, you’re probably familiar with that feeling of resentment that sometimes tinges interactions with your kids, spouse, or super needy pet. You want to be there for them, you want them to feel loved and nurtured and safe, but you don’t want to be the one who always has to do it. 

You’re exhausted and often overwhelmed and sometimes ashamed of the secret mean thoughts you have about your kids when they interrupt your imperative Netflix binge session. You need down time, alone time, ME time, but also feel like you always need to be available and responsive to the people who’ve come to count on you.

Setting boundaries is hard, and it might feel impossible to disentangle yourself from the complicated enmeshment you’ve unwittingly created in your family unit. How do you suddenly start putting your own needs first without disappointing and abandoning the people around you?

Let me start by saying that prioritizing your mental, emotional, and physical health is not just a fun fantasy that you should think about possibly doing one day when you’re not so busy. Putting your needs first, above everyone else, is necessary. Both for your health and for the strength of your family.

As my friend Jen would lovingly but firmly remind you, “You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.”

I am intimately aware of how difficult this transition can be for us chronic people-pleasers. We are conditioned as women and as mothers to be dutiful and self-sacrificial. It’s supposed to be an honor for us to sideline our careers, needs, and comfort in order to take good care of our families.

And sometimes a high level of sacrifice is necessary and appropriate [think: screaming baby at 2:00am]. However, as your kids become more independent and the responsibilities aren’t so urgent, self-care needs to move back to the top of your priority list. You cannot show up as the best version of yourself if you aren’t doing the work to keep yourself calm, rested, nourished, and happy. Also, you deserve to be comfortable and enjoy your life, even if you’re a mom. shocking

What does putting yourself back at the top of the list look like? Here are some ideas:

• Having non-negotiable alone time, whether that means taking a drive to get an ice cream by yourself, or threatening your family with bodily harm if they knock on your bedroom door during your nap.

• Making it clear that when you are working, reading, meditating, or catching up on the latest episodes of Tracker, you don’t want to be interrupted.

• Setting up your daily schedule to make sure your priorities get done first – maybe that means getting up an hour earlier so you have time for self-care before your house erupts, or stopping at the gym on your way home from work and postponing the nightly chores a little bit.

• Asking your family members to take over onerous chores so you have more free time. Your spouse can vacuum, your kids can do the dishes, someone else can make dinner or take the dog for a walk.

Here’s how to make the transition to prioritizing your needs without abandoning your family:

1. Think of yourself as a role model

Your kids may act like they want nothing to do with you or everything you do is dumb, but it’s just an act. They are really watching you like a hawk, picking up on your cues about what successful adulting looks like. You are literally creating a playbook for them on how to live life well by the way you behave. They WILL remember what your self-care and self-respect looks like. Instead of feeling selfish, think about the incredible ways your kids will benefit from witnessing this transition.

2. Explain the changes with love and compassion

You don’t have to wait until you’re mad to set up some new boundaries. Make a plan, prepare for how you will communicate it to your family, and have a gentle conversation. Make sure they understand WHY you are making these changes. Emphasize your needs, and be compassionate about how it will impact them. They can deal with the new reality much better if they feel heard and cared for.

3. Be willing to compromise

Having boundaries doesn’t mean being hard or sticking to the plan no matter what. You can shift the dynamics in your relationships while staying flexible and compassionate. Sometimes your me-time will get interrupted with something urgent, and you can navigate that without feeling like you’re failing. Things aren’t always going to go the way you planned, so flexibility is key. Everyone (including you) will benefit if you’re willing to adjust the plan when your family really needs you. 

Remember, your mental health and energy are the linchpins of your household, so prioritizing them helps everyone.