My Body Is Getting BIgger
Something’s happening to my body right now and it’s super uncomfortable: I’m getting bigger.
It started with my arms. Why are they so huge?! I need to stop wearing sleeveless things right now. I can see my upper arms out of the corner of my eye when I’m working. My t-shirt sleeves feel tight.
I’ve also notice my butt sticking out farther, and actually, my stomach, too.
I’ve been quietly criticizing myself. I’ve been dismissing (read: bemoaning) the changes in my body as bloat or water retention or a reaction to the heat. I still have a sneaky negative internal dialogue with myself about how my body looks, and it’s unconscious and automatic.
This is the first time I’m exercising consistently and not starving myself at the same time. This is the first time in my life that I’m doing things to support my body rather than make it smaller. This is the first time I’m focused on strength rather than size.
Guys, turns out I’m not swollen, I’m swole. And I can’t tell you how weird it is. My body is bigger because of MUSCLES.
This deep, pervasive conditioning to be smaller still powers my narrative. I’ve been secretly hoping that at some point, I’d tip the scales (pardon the pun) and start shrinking again…That my muscle mass would outpace my fat storage and my body would magically transform into the thin, willowy feminine person I’m supposed to be.
And it’s all been unconscious. I just feel disappointed in my appearance without really understanding why. I seek out dresses with sleeves so I don’t make people uncomfortable without really thinking through my reasoning. I’m very aware that no one is complimenting me even though I’ve never been more proud of my fitness routine.
My work now is disentangling self-care and self-improvement from weight loss. It’s uncoupling health and fitness from smallness. It’s disengaging from the need for validation and tuning in with my own health, strength, and happiness.
My subconscious mind still thinks I should be smaller, and I’m shocked by it. My thinking brain would NEVER, yet that young, insecure version of Teddey who desperately wants to fit in and be accepted still pops up sometimes. She still asks for approval, and frowns at herself in the mirror.
This is just another layer of my work. Feeling compassion for myself is proof of my progress. I’m not disappointed with myself. I’m not discouraged or disillusioned. I’m just experiencing another level of awareness about my journey, and I’m grateful that it bubbled to the surface.
If abandoning the pursuit of smallness scares the shit out of you, that’s ok; you don’t need to do that yet. Just see if you can work on not abandoning yourself.
